While sitting in the Planned Parenthood waiting for my pills, I was reading Allure (it was either that or ESPN, patriarchy or patriarchy). In between adds for beauty products, which are practically indistinguishable from the “articles”, there was a bit about exercising. Or rather, why you need to spend your time worrying about whether your exercises are aging your facial skin. Turns out, women can’t even drink water anymore without worrying about creating fine lines, as the way a normal person purses our lips is ALL WRONG and we need to STOP (though I did notice they don’t issue similar such warnings against sucking dick). Oh, and lest your perfect manicure get tarnished, you’re not allowed to text either. In fact, don’t touch anything ever, just to be safe. Or do anything. Or exist.