Nerd is my Gender

1
Feb 21

First Lady's Marital Advice: Laugh a Lot

She says it’s what she and President Barack Obama do, and it seems to be working. Their marriage, although tested throughout the years by his political ambitions - for the Illinois Senate, the U.S. Senate and later president - is going on 19 years.

Can’t argue with that! What relationship advice do you have?

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Role of Privilege in Polyamorous Relationship Structures. [Image: Venn diagram. Male and couple privileges overlap as “We have a one-penis policy. My partners can have other women but not other men.” Male privilege overlaps with entitlement as “I get to have a harem, but none of my women can have anyone else.” Couple privilege and entitlement overlap as “We have veto power, because our relationship always comes first.” All three overlap as “We’re looking for an attractive bisexual woman to move in with us and to be with both of us exclusively. She will be lucky to share in all the love we have to offer her!”]

I was in a relationship once where my partner instituted a single-penis rule. I should have instituted a single-vagina rule, but instead I simply told him he was full of shit and promptly ignored his “rule”. I refuse to allow someone to tell me to discriminate against others based on body parts or gender identity (which is why that circle really should read “cis male privilege”).

Do bisexual men, pansexual masculine-identified people, or even anyone who isn’t a straight cis man or a bisexual cis woman - do any of these people even exist in poly communities? Or do we simply embrace what can seem “hot” and “normal” in a misguided attempt to fit in with mainstream culture. I get that it helps to look “normal” when trying to get civil rights owed us. Atheists have to constantly prove that we have morals. Latin@s have to constantly fight against looking undocumented (whatever that even looks like). Oppression sucks and “othering” stereotypes suck. But to establish a hierarchy of who holds rank within the poly community at large will lead to its own internal oppression and othering.

What bothers me most about the role of privilege in poly relationships, though, is how much ownership there is. There’s a clear hierarchy of who gets to tell whom what to do, be it man over woman, man over women, couple over woman, or any other examples that weren’t included in the chart. I’m not saying that people can’t establish a system of ownership that works for them. I am saying that people shouldn’t have a de facto system of ownership* with the notion that if they never write it down or discuss it then it doesn’t exist, and they can be Elite Independent Hierarchy-Free Enlightened Poly People! Ignoring your couple privilege makes you a Privilege Denying Dude, and if you don’t know what’s wrong with that, then you have much to learn, my padawan.

*(Do you own property together? You in effect own shares of stock in each other’s lives. Are you married? Look out, you REALLY own each other! If you can’t drop the other person today and walk away without a financial or social fall-out, you have a degree of ownership in each other’s lives. Again, this is okay if it’s what you want. Just acknowledge it for what it is instead of ignoring it, so that you can make more effective relationship decisions.)

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1
Mar 10

Redefining Marriage By Getting Rid of It?

Separation of church and state - I’m down with this.

A note: this doesn’t actually eliminate the ability of people to become legally partnered. It simply puts the state in charge of domestic partnerships for all, and leaves the marrying to the churches. Churches marry people; governments partner people; everyone’s happy, right?

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7
Apr 22

People are more than their mental illnesses, they are people.

Too bad some of us aren’t willing to see that (warning, link contains neurotypical superiority): http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jHSxYuFVNWk/TaoJD2G9eEI/AAAAAAAAOo8/QlkWMS3HPcU/s400/cage.jpg

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OKStupid

stfusexists:

mirkwood says, “Sometimes I hate OKCupid because I get the most idiotic of messages. I got this “award” today from some 50 year old guy in a another country, who was a 50% match to me, and who had obviously not read my profile at all, let alone met me. I had had a previous discussion with a friend about sexism and how people assume female consent based on clothing and other “signs” without asking the female in question and so… it was the wrong day to send me this fucked up story”:

I usually respond by clicking the “block” button, but ze’s saying what I’m thinking.

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It was a Dark and Stormy Cliché

cctcd:

I’ve tried to write this three times already, and every time I find myself getting hung up. I really wanted to enshrine this moment in beautiful prose, but that hasn’t really worked for the last three times, so I’m just going to push through it and what sticks goes out.

It was Friday, two weeks ago, late afternoon. I’d just gotten home from work, and Dulcinea was pushing me to get ready for the evening. We were going out for a girl’s night with some of her old college friends. One of them hadn’t met Grey yet, and I think Dulcinea wanted me to look cute for the outing. I had heard on the radio during my drive home, that there was some potentially bad weather on its way in, but we were both hoping it would just pass us by. By the time I’d made my way into the shower, though, the sky had grimmoned and grey-green clouds blanketed our apartment complex in a disquieting silence.

I’d tried to make the shower quick—moving from guy mode to girl mode is a process that, for me, can take upwards of an hour and a big chunk of that is bathing—but I was having too much fun playing with my shampooed hair and making faces in my no-fog shower mirror. I knew I shouldn’t have dawdled, but the warmth of the water doesn’t really encourage speedy bathing. I had my razor in hand and was just smearing my shaving cream when the lights flickered and the fan stuttered. ‘Oh no,’ I thought, ‘please don’t let—’ but my thought DID become reality, and I was suddenly engulfed in deafening darkness.

I realized that showering in the dark is a great way to hurt myself. And I might as well forget about shaving, so I rinsed my face, turned off the water, and began drying off. Dulcinea came in with a lit candle. We talked a bit, flirted a bit. Neither of us wanted to go out in a storm this bad, and as late as it was getting, I wouldn’t have time to finish getting en femme before her friends had gone to bed. Besides that, with power out all over the apartment complex, the electrically-powered entrance gates wouldn’t open. We were trapped until the power came back on. So, we scrapped our original plans and settled in for a romantic night, just the two of us.

I wasn’t going to apply makeup by candlelight, but I still wanted to feel pretty, so I changed into one of Dulcinea’s cute t-shirts and my favorite skirt. We sat in the living room, candles flickering around us, watching out the balcony window as the dark sky flashed and whooshed and boomed. I cuddled close to Dulcinea, nestling on her shoulder, wrapped my arms around her, and smiled. We needed a romantic night in, just the two of us, enjoying our company and the wonders of the weather. This was bliss. I took her chin in my hand and turned her face to me. Dulcinea’s eyes are so beautifully dark, and her smile is enough to warm my heart, even in my blackest moods. “I love you. Thank you,” I told her. The window flashed, insanely bright, and the accompanying thundercrack shook our entire apartment complex as I kissed her.

“Sshh,” Dulcinea said. “Close your eyes,” and she pressed a finger to my lips. I heard her get up and shuffle through some things, not sure what was up. The carpet rustled as Dulcinea knelt in front of me, and I smiled, waiting to see what new game she had for us. She took my hand, turned it palm up, and placed something in it. I frowned and opened my eyes. “What is…?” It was a little box. “OH.” My heart started racing, and I could feel my eyes grow wide. The storm outside seemed to rage ever louder, and our eyes met, setting off my pet electric butterflies in a flurry of adrenaline.

“I love you,” Dulcinea said, opening the little box. “Will you marry me?” Two slender silver rings lay in the box, an obvious set. One ring had a small diamond and yellow-gold hydrangea flower as its centerpoint. The other had a rosegold ladybug, and when the two rings slid onto my ring finger, the ladybug nestled neatly between the petals of the flower. Candlelight danced on the ring. I teared up. “Yes,” I said, pulling her into a tight hug and kissing her. It was the best kiss of my life. And as if it was waiting for us, right when the kiss ended, the electricity came back on.

So, now I’m engaged to Dulcinea. I’m her fiancée and fiancé, and I couldn’t be happier—except when she says yes to MY proposal. And when we’re married. And raise cats and unicorns together. But until then, this is happier than I’ve ever been. :P

OMG, this is the cutest engagement story ever!

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1
May 6

My girlfriend is a former Catholic, recent convert to Islam, and a staunch meat-eater, and I am atheist and vegetarian (not vegan). I can see the vegan aspect making it more difficult, since I do eat dairy and (very limited) eggs. But, I respect her choices, and she respects mine, with neither trying to impose or indoctrinate the other. Incidentally, she is also transgendered (but wasn’t for the first 3 years of our relationship), and I formerly identified as “gay,” but now moreso as bisexual…so we’re probably in the minority so small we ARE the fraction. :) We’re coming up on 5 years, and we’re fine. I think it’s really up to the individuals in the relationship, and what each is willing to compromise on/be open to.

JW Tarin, in response to someone asking for advice about his relationship in which he is an atheist vegan and his girlfriend is a meat-eating Catholic.

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May 15

Does Cupid play politics? That 'something special' might be your mate's political ideology

On a scale of 0 to 1, where 1 means perfectly matched, physical traits (body shape, weight and height) only score between 0.1 and 0.2 among spouse pairs.Personality traits, such as extroversion or impulsivity, are also weak and fall within the 0 to 0.2 range. By comparison, the score for political ideology is more than 0.6, higher than any of the other measured traits except frequency of church attendance, which was just over 0.7.

I actually can’t think of any political opinions where Bencakes and I disagree. Maybe in that he’d like Obama to be lifelong King of Everything, and I’m happy to settle for 8 years.

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4
May 30

Families are videotaped eating dinner at a restaurant, where a waitress (who is acting) takes offense at their “gay lifestyle”. The responses are very touching.

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Jun 1

While this study focused on sexual attraction between heterosexual men and women in North America, the researchers say future studies will be required to explore the relationship between emotions and sexual attractiveness among homosexuals and non-Western cultures.

Just about any science press release ever.

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55
Jun 4

Lyrics:
You’re on the phone with your partner
Zie’s upset
Zie’s going off about something that you said
You should probably just apologize to hir

I’m in the room, it’s a typical Tuesday night
I’m listening to the kind of music zie doesn’t like
Because zie and I have different taste in music

Not everything in the world needs to be
Part of some big dramatic hetero fantasy
Waiting for the day when you wake up and find
Your fantasy doesn’t fit me — I’ve been queer the whole time

If you could see the multiplicity of ways
People live their genders and sexualities every day
You’d say with me
Fuck heteronormativity
Fuck heteronormativity

Walking the streets with you in your worn out jeans
I can’t help thinking this is how things ought to be
Because of the dominant romantic narrative that rewards these kinds of things

And you’ve got a smile that could light up this whole town
But it doesn’t come out much when you keep getting mispronouned
I know our love didn’t come with a script
But those get written by people like T-Swift

Sometimes you wear short skirts
Sometimes you wear t-shirts
Sometimes you wear both
And sometimes you wear neither
I like you naked
And I like you clothed
I really just like you
I think you’re fucking great, I suppose

If you could see the multiplicity of ways
People live their genders and sexualities every day
You’d say with me
Fuck heteronormativity

Queer romance is so commonly erased
From songs and stories and histories — it gets replaced
But it shouldn’t be
Fuck heteronormativity
Fuck heteronormativity

I remember how my gender was policed
How my body was controlled
How I couldn’t ever enact
The masculinity I was told to
Dominant narratives of romance
Leave so many bodies out
Let’s hear those silenced stories
Let’s really, really shout

If you could see the multiplicity of ways
People live their genders and sexualities every day
You’d say with me
Fuck heteronormativity

Romance takes so many different forms
Let’s free it from the limits of societal norms
Sing it with me
Fuck heteronormativity
Fuck heteronormativity

(via “Fuck Heteronormativity”)

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fyeahpdp:

[Picture: Background: 6 piece pie style color split with pink and blue alternating. Foreground: White woman wearing a plain white t-shirt with long brown hair. Her arms are folded over her chest and she has an incredulous expression.
Top text: “You choose not to eat dairy and wheat,” Bottom text: “so you can’t complain that my choice of restaurant leaves you out.”]

My mother said this to me, after I tried to explain how frustrating it is that I really can’t eat out with them, which is usually the only time I get the chance to see her. I’m sensitive to lactose and gluten; it’s not a bloody choice! If I eat either I get psoriasis and eventually arthritis. Both of these conditions will get worse the more I eat lactose and/or dairy over my lifetime, so it’s crucial that I eat little or none of them.

But because my mother doesn’t have to live with the effects of food sensitivity (that she’s aware of), she tells me it’s my choice. Yes, I choose to be left out, and to make restaurant choices a pain for her! [Sarcasm.] I’d love to be able to go out to a restaurant every week and eat whatever I want.

It shouldn’t matter even if it is a choice. If you wish to connect with someone on a personal level, you simply must be sensitive to their food choices to make them more comfortable. Otherwise, what’s the point of going out to eat together? If you’re doing it for the enjoyment of the food alone, go out by yourself.

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This is a tear-jerker, I’m warning you.

Army Couple Deploys To Iraq, But Only One Returns

by NPR STAFF May 27, 2011

Max and Kim Voelz served together in Iraq in the same Explosive Ordnance Disposal unit — that’s the Army’s elite bomb squad.

The couple met on Valentine’s Day in 1997 at EOD school. They married on June 12, 1999.

“We deployed in 2003. We were in the same unit. She ripped bombs apart by hand in Iraq just like I did,” Max says. “There was no being scared, no doubt, no ‘I might die’ — we never talked about that.”

One night in 2003, Max called in the location of an explosive and sent his wife to disarm it.

“That night she was at a different base and I tried to talk to her on the phone before she went — just to tell her, like, an extra, ‘Be careful.’ But she was already on her way to take care of it, so I didn’t get to,” Max says.

Kim, 27, didn’t survive that mission. Her injuries were severe. One leg was blown off and she was in a medically induced coma when Max got to the hospital.

“I talked to her the whole time she was in there,” he says. “The nurses were telling me to talk to her because they assured me that they had seen people come out of comas before and that they remembered hearing things that people said.

“I mean, what are you gonna tell your wife who’s dying? That you love her and you don’t want her to die. But I knew she was dead a long time before the doctors stopped working on her. You hold someone’s hand, and then it feels different. “

Max called her parents because he didn’t want a stranger knocking on their door in an Army uniform to break the news: “I told them that she died in my arms 10 minutes ago,” he says.

“You know, she did something that most people weren’t willing to do, and I don’t want people to think that because she was killed while she was working that she was bad at her job, or that she died because she was a girl,” Max says. “She did the same job that guys who think they’re tough do. And she did it just as good as I did, and I think I’m the best that there is.”

When the Voelzes got married they had plans to retire from the Army. Now, at 36, Max says he doesn’t have a plan. After Kim died on Dec. 13, 2003, Max was sent home. He stayed in the Army for a few more years.

“I am an Army widower. I don’t think there’s very many of us,” he says. “And when I receive a condolence letter from a high-ranking government official that says, ‘Mrs. Voelz, we’re sorry for the loss of your husband,’ it just makes it seem like nobody knows we exist.”

Audio produced for Morning Edition by Jasmyn Belcher.

(Source: NPR)

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staticpoison:

This shows just how wrong society is. They teach how not to get raped, instead of don’t rape.

If we spent as much time teaching our young people how not to become rapists, the world would be a safer place.

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Day 10 - What does marriage mean to you?

It’s an excellent way for people to combine their lives together. It’s a commitment to partnership, sealed with the unification of economic resources. It’s serious business.

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