Nerd is my Gender
What's yours?
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Just put an oven under your bed, then after ejaculation you can share a warm cookie.
Obviously.
according to cosmo, you can also put a banana in your woonsocket and cordially invite him to swish his johnston around in your providence county.
Reblogging for the RI/Cosmo hate.
- How can he notice you when he DOESN’T HAVE EYES???
- Why is this written in the Dr. Seuss font? “Oh The Places You’ll Come!”
This isn’t from Cosmo, it’s from the Onion I’m pretty sure. Either way, I fucking love it for its absurdity.
“Today NOW!” is the Onion’s morning news satire. But I find it rather telling that Cosmo and the Onion are on the same wavelength these days. :D
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Native Americans Ask Very Nicely for Country Back
And in Bizarro World, we give it to them.
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We Have Problems Too!
First World Problems, that is…
I had too much food for lunch and now I’m tired.
I forgot to bring my phone with me when I went to poop and was bored the entire time.
I accidentally clicked on iTunes and had to wait 2 minutes for it to open before I could close it.
I’m trying to text while at a red light, but I keep making all the greens.
The Dominoes pizza tracker is not working; I don’t know when to put my pants on.
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The ads aired in Charleston, S.C., on a TV station run by Rita Littles Scott. “We did not know it was Stephen Colbert for a while,” she says of the power behind the ads. On the contrary, she says, the ads fit right in. And she says no one has called to complain about them. “In fact, we’ve not received any phone calls except from the media.
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It has been my experience that when dealing with females, you need to treat them as though they have a mental disorder… especially those that are constantly seeking equality in the workplace, the military, and in the home.
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100% of male experts agree: nobody knows more about women’s issues like birth control than late-middle-aged men and the Republican party is well aware.
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The Secrets all Women & Men Keep
That’s right ALL. I’m now declaring this an official genderqueer recruiting tool. If you fail on any one of these points, you’re now One Of Us.
The Man List is shorter, so here goes:
1. I play dead to get out of stuff.
I have done this.
2. I behaved irresponsibly right up until saying “I do.”
Er… nope. I behave pretty responsibly just the same married or not.
3. I miss casual sex.
Yes. But since that’s also a synonym for “you get what you get, and if it’s bad, sex, sucks to be you”, I only miss it sometimes.
4. I have a security blanket, but creepier
I… do too. I’m not going to tell you what it is, either. Suffice it to say it’s not a memento.
5. I downplay how much I spend.
No, I’m pretty honest about it.
OK, so I’m half-man. According to The Experts. Now on to women…
1. We save mementos from past relationships
I save mementos from everything significant in my life. Often in the form of photograhs. Turns out, past relationships happen to be part of my life. You caught me!
2. We secretly hate you a little for not having to push out a baby.
Dafuq? Nobody “has to” push out a baby. Unless they want to. [Forced pregnancies aside.] So no, I don’t hate anyone for this reason.
3. We are mummies: The wires, the tape, the padding, the unbreathable 80% Nylon, 18% Spandex, 2% Cotton blend industrial body shaper.
Nope! The nearest I come to this is binding, and when I’m not, I don’t even come close to mummification. Never have.
4. We have access: The fact that your password is automatically stored on your computer and you never log out of anything makes it entirely too easy.
…Well now I’d just be giving things away, wouldn’t I.
5. When we say no gifts, we’re totally lying. Let there be gifts. Let there always be gifts.
I have said this because I don’t need a gift, I want a gift. And I don’t want an obligatory gift, I want a gift from the heart. If me saying “no gifts” results in no gifts, then the gift you would have otherwise given would have been forced.
6. We use Halloween as an excuse to dress sexy.
Nope. I use sex as an excuse to dress sexy. Or any time for that matter (other than visiting my grandmother). I use Halloween as an excuse to dress ridiculous.
7. We are divalicious when we’re alone.
Maybe. ;)
8. We pretend all sorts of things, including but not limited to: Being interviewed by Conan, having our very own cooking show, and that every single love song is about us (obvs).
Not really… can’t say I do this. Though I do a basic human amount of daydreaming, mostly about that it’s the weekend and I’m enjoying my free time.
9. We take long showers to get out of doing stuff.
Wow, I’ve literally never even considered doing this. Seems so obvious, though, now that I think about it.
10. We re-enact fights in our head with you, your mother, our mother, and our frenemies where we speak the impossibly clever and win every time.
I’m pretty sure everybody does this.
11. We spend way too much time scrutinizing our face in a magnifying mirror; I mean really.
I can’t stand magnifying mirrors, but I do this in regular ones.
12. Another name for shopping is ”Errands”.
Nope.
13. We have girl crushes involving lusting after a woman’s style, superior genetics, wit, and undeniable charm.
I have crushes of this sort for all sorts of people, including for The Doctor (10th and 11th).
14. When you ask if we’re wearing something new we’ll usually say no and act irritated with you for not noticing it before. (Remember to remove the tag, ladies!)
Excuse me? I don’t remember “psychopath” being an essential element of womanhood. It’s alright if all you test-takers want to skip this one. I’m giving you a free pass. ;)
15. We want to be wanted: Grab us, kiss us hard, pinch our butts, send a sext.
Yes, if I’m in a relationship with you.
16. We can be disgusting
YES.
17. We’re usually mad at you… For something, anything really
No.
18. We pretend we’re the female lead in romantic movies.
No, they’re often unrelatable.
19. We stalk our ex’s Facebook profiles
It hasn’t occurred to me that the best use of my time could be wasting it on somebody I’m no longer invested in.
20. We look at porn - mom porn.
Not much, actually, but I do indulge in a little erotica here and there.
Guess I’m only somewhat woman either. No wonder I’m such a gender reject. :P
So there you have it. If you don’t fit into all of the above for either gender, you are now officially welcome to explore the genderqueer community.
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Bill Nye did NOT say that!
Bill Nye Blasts Todd Akin, Challenges ‘Fucking Idiot’ to Debate | The Daily Currant
This is a SATIRE website. It says so at the top of each page: “The Global Satirical Newspaper of Record”.
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Did you know that if you put a made-up infographic next to your made-up facts, they feel more real?
(via Funny infographics - Most popular infographics around the web… on Twitpic)
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Somebody please tell me this is satire.
PLZ.
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Men and Women Can't Be "Just Friends": Scientific American
And here we have a prime example of the deep psychological damage that can be caused by cisheterosexuality. They claim to be “born this way” and that it’s “natural”, but the true cost of their lifestyle choices lies in their inability to function optimally in normal intergender friendships. Having identified with a sexuality as their primary identity, they are unable to keep their obsessive thoughts from perverting their daily social interactions, and misguidedly seek relief by segregating into sociopathic same-gender-only subcultures. Let us be on our guard against this insidious Straight Agenda.
/satire
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![Texas
The America of America.
[Image of a bald eagle holding a rifle in front of the Texan flag.]
(via SMBC — Texas shirt)](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mecv1q9ExS1qgm6edo1_100.jpg)
Texas
The America of America.
[Image of a bald eagle holding a rifle in front of the Texan flag.]
(via SMBC — Texas shirt)
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‘They’ say (you know ‘they’, they’re cited as proof of theory in every doughnut shop and bus stop from here to the DSM IV) that there are people who have developed the ability to breathe and not have it affect them. Sadly, others who have opted into this habit forming pastime have suffered the rare effect of developing ADHD.
Genderqueer with a touch of happy humanism.
