Nerd is my Gender
What's yours?
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![Role of Privilege in Polyamorous Relationship Structures. [Image: Venn diagram. Male and couple privileges overlap as “We have a one-penis policy. My partners can have other women but not other men.” Male privilege overlaps with entitlement as “I get to have a harem, but none of my women can have anyone else.” Couple privilege and entitlement overlap as “We have veto power, because our relationship always comes first.” All three overlap as “We’re looking for an attractive bisexual woman to move in with us and to be with both of us exclusively. She will be lucky to share in all the love we have to offer her!”]
I was in a relationship once where my partner instituted a single-penis rule. I should have instituted a single-vagina rule, but instead I simply told him he was full of shit and promptly ignored his “rule”. I refuse to allow someone to tell me to discriminate against others based on body parts or gender identity (which is why that circle really should read “cis male privilege”).
Do bisexual men, pansexual masculine-identified people, or even anyone who isn’t a straight cis man or a bisexual cis woman - do any of these people even exist in poly communities? Or do we simply embrace what can seem “hot” and “normal” in a misguided attempt to fit in with mainstream culture. I get that it helps to look “normal” when trying to get civil rights owed us. Atheists have to constantly prove that we have morals. Latin@s have to constantly fight against looking undocumented (whatever that even looks like). Oppression sucks and “othering” stereotypes suck. But to establish a hierarchy of who holds rank within the poly community at large will lead to its own internal oppression and othering.
What bothers me most about the role of privilege in poly relationships, though, is how much ownership there is. There’s a clear hierarchy of who gets to tell whom what to do, be it man over woman, man over women, couple over woman, or any other examples that weren’t included in the chart. I’m not saying that people can’t establish a system of ownership that works for them. I am saying that people shouldn’t have a de facto system of ownership* with the notion that if they never write it down or discuss it then it doesn’t exist, and they can be Elite Independent Hierarchy-Free Enlightened Poly People! Ignoring your couple privilege makes you a Privilege Denying Dude, and if you don’t know what’s wrong with that, then you have much to learn, my padawan.
*(Do you own property together? You in effect own shares of stock in each other’s lives. Are you married? Look out, you REALLY own each other! If you can’t drop the other person today and walk away without a financial or social fall-out, you have a degree of ownership in each other’s lives. Again, this is okay if it’s what you want. Just acknowledge it for what it is instead of ignoring it, so that you can make more effective relationship decisions.)](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lekv0jCTOW1qckmrto1_250.gif)
Role of Privilege in Polyamorous Relationship Structures. [Image: Venn diagram. Male and couple privileges overlap as “We have a one-penis policy. My partners can have other women but not other men.” Male privilege overlaps with entitlement as “I get to have a harem, but none of my women can have anyone else.” Couple privilege and entitlement overlap as “We have veto power, because our relationship always comes first.” All three overlap as “We’re looking for an attractive bisexual woman to move in with us and to be with both of us exclusively. She will be lucky to share in all the love we have to offer her!”]
I was in a relationship once where my partner instituted a single-penis rule. I should have instituted a single-vagina rule, but instead I simply told him he was full of shit and promptly ignored his “rule”. I refuse to allow someone to tell me to discriminate against others based on body parts or gender identity (which is why that circle really should read “cis male privilege”).
Do bisexual men, pansexual masculine-identified people, or even anyone who isn’t a straight cis man or a bisexual cis woman - do any of these people even exist in poly communities? Or do we simply embrace what can seem “hot” and “normal” in a misguided attempt to fit in with mainstream culture. I get that it helps to look “normal” when trying to get civil rights owed us. Atheists have to constantly prove that we have morals. Latin@s have to constantly fight against looking undocumented (whatever that even looks like). Oppression sucks and “othering” stereotypes suck. But to establish a hierarchy of who holds rank within the poly community at large will lead to its own internal oppression and othering.
What bothers me most about the role of privilege in poly relationships, though, is how much ownership there is. There’s a clear hierarchy of who gets to tell whom what to do, be it man over woman, man over women, couple over woman, or any other examples that weren’t included in the chart. I’m not saying that people can’t establish a system of ownership that works for them. I am saying that people shouldn’t have a de facto system of ownership* with the notion that if they never write it down or discuss it then it doesn’t exist, and they can be Elite Independent Hierarchy-Free Enlightened Poly People! Ignoring your couple privilege makes you a Privilege Denying Dude, and if you don’t know what’s wrong with that, then you have much to learn, my padawan.
*(Do you own property together? You in effect own shares of stock in each other’s lives. Are you married? Look out, you REALLY own each other! If you can’t drop the other person today and walk away without a financial or social fall-out, you have a degree of ownership in each other’s lives. Again, this is okay if it’s what you want. Just acknowledge it for what it is instead of ignoring it, so that you can make more effective relationship decisions.)
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![If “Ladies Nights” were taken to their logical (dude-centric) conclusion.
Imagine a hypothetical party at which “ladies drink free.” For numerical ease, we’ll make $10 the standard price for men. Following the initial “ladies-drink-free-because-men-pay-to-access-them” logic, there are all sorts of addenda that can be made to this pricing scheme. I have made this handy table.
[Image: table of pricing for various people on “ladies’ night”, where the hotter men are the more they pay, the hotter women are the less they pay, etc.]](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lhd5lesBWa1qgm6edo1_250.jpg)
If “Ladies Nights” were taken to their logical (dude-centric) conclusion.
Imagine a hypothetical party at which “ladies drink free.” For numerical ease, we’ll make $10 the standard price for men. Following the initial “ladies-drink-free-because-men-pay-to-access-them” logic, there are all sorts of addenda that can be made to this pricing scheme. I have made this handy table.
[Image: table of pricing for various people on “ladies’ night”, where the hotter men are the more they pay, the hotter women are the less they pay, etc.]
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“At last, we can find common ground through our mutual objectification of women!”
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12 Golden Rules For Picking Up Women
People ask me, “Andy, what makes you so good at picking up women? Even when I stick to the thin ones, I just can’t sweep them off their feet!” Don’t worry, it’s easy! Just follow Ask Men’s 12 Golden Rules for Picking Up Women.
- Always be mentally ready to pick up. Visualize yourself as a heavy lifter in all you do. Be on the look-out for women in easy-to-hold positions. Don’t just stick to the usual locations such as bars. Remember that women are used to going about their daily business while standing on their own two feet, so when someone comes along that is willing to carry them, it’s that much more impressive.
- Don’t use pick-up lines! Cheezy: “You look tired… tired of running through my dreams!” Honest: “You look tired… would you let me carry you around for a while?”
- Don’t fear rejection. What do you have to loose? For a confidence booster, pretend like you’re approaching her simply to treat her like a normal human capable of having an interesting conversation.
- Read her body language. If she she starts rubbing her feet, that’s a good sign that she’s receptive to being picked up. If she starts running away from you, waving down security, or hits you over the head with her purse, you might want to consider that she could be sending you subtle hints that she’s not interested.
- Give them the 15-minute test. This isn’t to say that every interested woman will be tossing her shoes into the air and leaping into your arms within 15 minutes. But chances are, if she’s not loosening her laces by that time, she’s probably quite content to stand on her own two feet without any assistance from yourself.
- Know when to cut your losses. Sure, she may have let you give her a foot-rub, but if she indicates that she’ll only let one particular person hold her on hir shoulders, you’d better take that as a sign that you won’t be doing any heavy lifting with her later.
- Use negative hits. This isn’t to say you walk right up to her and say “You UGLY, you’d have to pay me to pick you up!” Try something subtle like “I see you’re not obsessed with dieting like some women, which is good, because they always feel so frail and flimsy when I carry them around.”
- Don’t lie. This doesn’t mean you need to come right out and say “I’ll toss any woman I see over my shoulders like a cave man!” But if you’ve been practicing your heavy lifting on more than one woman, it is a good idea to let her know up front.
- Get a good wingman. You will know that he’s your wingman and not the reverse by the fact that he will be scrawnier and less well-built than you, so women know which one of you is best suited carrying her weight. Of course, there’s the chance that you actually respect and value him as a friend, in which case you may wish to take turns looking scrawny, or else get a wingman which is actually a cardboard cut-out of Jim Carry to accompany yourself.
- Always close the day. Suggest that the two of you go to a running track or a public park somewhere. If all else fails, at least get her email so you can feel personally validated.
- Work on many leads simultaneously. While carrying one woman around, you may a new technique that you can practice out on your next pick-up like a super-star. After all, what are women other than practice-runs for more women?
- Think of your strengths in the eyes of your prey. To translate for all you non-predators out there, this means to remember that women don’t necessarily think the way you want them to, so you have to acknowledge that. For example, you may think showing off your biceps is a good way to advertise your pick-up abilities, while she’s actually more interested in someone with strong legs.
There you have it: how to be a pick-up artist. And remember, never lift with your back!
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I called out someone for being racist who posted this photo with the caption:
Left to right – Princess Letizia of Spain, French First Lady Carla Bruni, and American First Lady Michelle Obama. Guess which one of these women want to lecture you about your eating habits?
This man is very intelligent and highly educated, but professed to have no idea what I was talking about.
Really? Am I overreacting?
I find most online commentary about the First Lady both racist AND sexist.
Racist, sexist, and sizist (fat-hate).
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See the Troll Dolls’ Sexy, Horrible New Makeover
Trolls do not need to be sexy, they’re TROLLS!
Happy Trolls vs. Creepy Trolls:
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How sick do I make this person? Let us count the ways!
Lazy Christians
Phew, safe here - not a christian.
Sex-Drugs-Rock Music
I’ve haven’t yet heard of the musical genre that is sex-drugs-rock, but I imagine it will be all over the Grammys in a couple years.
Baby Killers
This is a tough one… many times what seems like a regular period is actually a very early miscarriage, so I’ll put this one down as a “maybe”.
Party Animals
I haven’t played a good game of Pin the Tail on the Donkey for many years, and it’s been a while since my last pinata.
Sport’s Nuts
I prefer generic mixed nuts as opposed to the licensed kind, as they cost much less.
Roman Catholics
At first I wondered why this wasn’t included under the “lazy Christian” category, and then I remembered that Catholics actually have to work for their salvation.
Computer Freaks
Alas, I am still not a cybog.
People that watch TV more than study the Bible.
This… actually doesn’t apply to me. Wow.
People that talk to pets more than God
I don’t think anyone could possibly talk to pets more than God does, but I have neither pets nor god.
Fox Hole Religion
Yeah, I agree: on the battle field is a horrible place to try to distract soldiers from their duties with nonsense.
The Jews that are from the Synagogue of Satan
There is no Synagogue of Satan, but just in case anyone was thinking of starting one, don’t - you might make someone sick, and then they’ll put you on a list.
False Religions
Those bother me too. Hmm… maybe I should be the one holding this sign?
Racists
I feel you there, bro.
Lying Pentaco$stal$
This must be the 1st Church of Ke$ha.
Effeminate Culture
There goes half the nation, including anyone who’s ever watch the Oprah show and liked it.
Ankle Biters
Oh yeah, like mosquitoes! I hate mosquitoes!
Dykes on Bikes
Come on, they’re just trying to do their part to reduce CO2 emissions.
Money Lovers
I’m probably not capitalist enough for this.
Child Molesting Homosexuals
This definitely is a redundant listing, as priests would fall under the umbrella of Roman Catholics above.
Sex Perverts
This one might actually apply to me. After all, I like to do it with the lights on and the sheets off.
Rebellious
Um…
Women
I’m trying to reform, I swear!
And Mormons
Envious that they get their own planet? Admit it.
Well, that’s it. Adding up the tally, I score like 1.5 on the How Sick I Make This Person scale. I’m kind of disappointed, actually. I had no idea I’m so straight-edge! How about you?
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How to Be a Jerk at a Restaurant
And I really hate to generalize/be sexist here,
So don’t. Yay, problem solved! …Oh wait, that’s a comma, not a period.
but young attractive females try to pull this off all the time. They’re all, “Oh, ha ha, I’m sorry I’m a little short, smiley face!” I’m glad you have a nice smile, I really am, but if you’re not even sleeping with me, why am I paying for you? Your less cute friends don’t pull this shit; they’re civilized and understand that not everything in life is handed out on a silver platter. This is one reason why there should be a law requiring YAFs to pass some sort of basic etiquette test before they’re allowed to hang out in public with the gen pop. Honestly, is there any sub-species of human more ill-behaved than a young attractive female? I don’t think so.
Translation: “unless I’m
renting your vaginadating you, I won’t even try to hide my bigotry toward your class of people, and I’ll even blame others like you for it.” -
No Lords, No Masters
To all you nonreligious people out there, here’s a forum for discussing human rights and social justice issues from a secular perspective.
Kyriarchy are the structures of domination working together as a network - not just one group dominating another. Its branches include but are not limited to racism, sexism, cissexism, heterosexism, ageism, and ableism.
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A March Madness flowchart for girls, asking questions such as “Is the coach a Silver Fox?” and “Is the mascot cute and cuddly?” as a guide toward choosing which team to support.
Wait… the Boilermaker mascot isn’t cute and cuddly? But that’s the only reason I was cheering them on all this time!
An excellent example of how something can claim to be woman-centric while actually being woman-othering.
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The scene: Two women talk. One wears a black skirt, the other has a ponytail.
Panel one
BLACK SKIRT: the WAGE GAP has nothing to do with SEXISM! women are paid less because they make different CHOICES.Panel two
BLACK SKIRT: HAVING A FAMILY, for example. many women take time off from work to take care of children or elderly relatives…Panel three
BLACK SKIRT: so women work less. or work part-time. or need more flexible jobs. and as a result, they get paid less. but what does that have to do with SEXISM?Panel four
PONYTAIL: couldn’t MEN do half of that unpaid work?
BLACK SKIRT: that’s CRAZY TALK!Panel four, tiny subpanel in the corner
PONYTAIL: okay, i’ll let someone ELSE raise my kids.
BLACK SKIRT: what kind of LOUSY mother does THAT? -
![sexgenderbody:
bingo.
This is exactly why catcalling sucks. In fact, this is why any and all expectations that women ought to look pleasing to the eye (as well as act perpetually cheerful) suck. They all rest upon the notion that women’s bodies ought to be anything for anyone else at all.
Guess what? Bodies exist for only one person at all - the person who is that body. You don’t like how someone looks? Fuck off. You think someone looks sexy? Fuck off. Unless ze asks you what you think about hir body, you guessed it: Fuck off.
“But how will I ever be able to meet someone to date or even just have sex with?” It’s this amazing thing called being friendly, and you don’t even need to make unsolicited comments on someone else’s body to do it! And at some point, you can also do this other amazing thing called asking. It goes like this: “do you mind if I compliment you on your appearance?” Try it sometime. It’s much less traumatic than writing “fuck me” on your chest, I promise. Worst case scenario, ze says “no, I’d rather you not”, and you manage to not look like a douchebag. Best case, ze’s very flattered and welcoming, and everyone’s happy.
Catcalling. Just say “no”.
[Image of woman talking to person behind camera. ”What I want you to do is write ‘Fuck me’ on your chest. And then I want you to walk out that door and down the street, and anybody that wants to fuck you, say ‘sure, no problem.’ And when they do, you have to say ‘thank you very much’ and make sure that you have a smile on your face. And then, you stupid fucking coward, you’re gonna know what it feels like to be a woman.”]](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ljv9getDTS1qeshdwo1_250.jpg)
bingo.
This is exactly why catcalling sucks. In fact, this is why any and all expectations that women ought to look pleasing to the eye (as well as act perpetually cheerful) suck. They all rest upon the notion that women’s bodies ought to be anything for anyone else at all.
Guess what? Bodies exist for only one person at all - the person who is that body. You don’t like how someone looks? Fuck off. You think someone looks sexy? Fuck off. Unless ze asks you what you think about hir body, you guessed it: Fuck off.
“But how will I ever be able to meet someone to date or even just have sex with?” It’s this amazing thing called being friendly, and you don’t even need to make unsolicited comments on someone else’s body to do it! And at some point, you can also do this other amazing thing called asking. It goes like this: “do you mind if I compliment you on your appearance?” Try it sometime. It’s much less traumatic than writing “fuck me” on your chest, I promise. Worst case scenario, ze says “no, I’d rather you not”, and you manage to not look like a douchebag. Best case, ze’s very flattered and welcoming, and everyone’s happy.
Catcalling. Just say “no”.
[Image of woman talking to person behind camera. ”What I want you to do is write ‘Fuck me’ on your chest. And then I want you to walk out that door and down the street, and anybody that wants to fuck you, say ‘sure, no problem.’ And when they do, you have to say ‘thank you very much’ and make sure that you have a smile on your face. And then, you stupid fucking coward, you’re gonna know what it feels like to be a woman.”]
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OKStupid
mirkwood says, “Sometimes I hate OKCupid because I get the most idiotic of messages. I got this “award” today from some 50 year old guy in a another country, who was a 50% match to me, and who had obviously not read my profile at all, let alone met me. I had had a previous discussion with a friend about sexism and how people assume female consent based on clothing and other “signs” without asking the female in question and so… it was the wrong day to send me this fucked up story”:
I usually respond by clicking the “block” button, but ze’s saying what I’m thinking.
Genderqueer with a touch of happy humanism.
