The Secrets all Women & Men Keep
That’s right ALL. I’m now declaring this an official genderqueer recruiting tool. If you fail on any one of these points, you’re now One Of Us.
The Man List is shorter, so here goes:
1. I play dead to get out of stuff.
I have done this.
2. I behaved irresponsibly right up until saying “I do.”
Er… nope. I behave pretty responsibly just the same married or not.
3. I miss casual sex.
Yes. But since that’s also a synonym for “you get what you get, and if it’s bad, sex, sucks to be you”, I only miss it sometimes.
4. I have a security blanket, but creepier
I… do too. I’m not going to tell you what it is, either. Suffice it to say it’s not a memento.
5. I downplay how much I spend.
No, I’m pretty honest about it.
OK, so I’m half-man. According to The Experts. Now on to women…
1. We save mementos from past relationships
I save mementos from everything significant in my life. Often in the form of photograhs. Turns out, past relationships happen to be part of my life. You caught me!
2. We secretly hate you a little for not having to push out a baby.
Dafuq? Nobody “has to” push out a baby. Unless they want to. [Forced pregnancies aside.] So no, I don’t hate anyone for this reason.
3. We are mummies: The wires, the tape, the padding, the unbreathable 80% Nylon, 18% Spandex, 2% Cotton blend industrial body shaper.
Nope! The nearest I come to this is binding, and when I’m not, I don’t even come close to mummification. Never have.
4. We have access: The fact that your password is automatically stored on your computer and you never log out of anything makes it entirely too easy.
…Well now I’d just be giving things away, wouldn’t I.
5. When we say no gifts, we’re totally lying. Let there be gifts. Let there always be gifts.
I have said this because I don’t need a gift, I want a gift. And I don’t want an obligatory gift, I want a gift from the heart. If me saying “no gifts” results in no gifts, then the gift you would have otherwise given would have been forced.
6. We use Halloween as an excuse to dress sexy.
Nope. I use sex as an excuse to dress sexy. Or any time for that matter (other than visiting my grandmother). I use Halloween as an excuse to dress ridiculous.
7. We are divalicious when we’re alone.
8. We pretend all sorts of things, including but not limited to: Being interviewed by Conan, having our very own cooking show, and that every single love song is about us (obvs).
Not really… can’t say I do this. Though I do a basic human amount of daydreaming, mostly about that it’s the weekend and I’m enjoying my free time.
9. We take long showers to get out of doing stuff.
Wow, I’ve literally never even considered doing this. Seems so obvious, though, now that I think about it.
10. We re-enact fights in our head with you, your mother, our mother, and our frenemies where we speak the impossibly clever and win every time.
I’m pretty sure everybody does this.
11. We spend way too much time scrutinizing our face in a magnifying mirror; I mean really.
I can’t stand magnifying mirrors, but I do this in regular ones.
12. Another name for shopping is ”Errands”.
13. We have girl crushes involving lusting after a woman’s style, superior genetics, wit, and undeniable charm.
I have crushes of this sort for all sorts of people, including for The Doctor (10th and 11th).
14. When you ask if we’re wearing something new we’ll usually say no and act irritated with you for not noticing it before. (Remember to remove the tag, ladies!)
Excuse me? I don’t remember “psychopath” being an essential element of womanhood. It’s alright if all you test-takers want to skip this one. I’m giving you a free pass. ;)
15. We want to be wanted: Grab us, kiss us hard, pinch our butts, send a sext.
Yes, if I’m in a relationship with you.
16. We can be disgusting
17. We’re usually mad at you… For something, anything really
18. We pretend we’re the female lead in romantic movies.
No, they’re often unrelatable.
19. We stalk our ex’s Facebook profiles
It hasn’t occurred to me that the best use of my time could be wasting it on somebody I’m no longer invested in.
20. We look at porn - mom porn.
Not much, actually, but I do indulge in a little erotica here and there.
Guess I’m only somewhat woman either. No wonder I’m such a gender reject. :P
So there you have it. If you don’t fit into all of the above for either gender, you are now officially welcome to explore the genderqueer community.